How did I get here?

Well, here goes nothing! This is my first ever blog posting and I will try to keep my "story" brief. I don't want you to lose your interest! I'm in a much better place in my life now. But, I didn't get here overnight. It has been a very rocky road. To give you a little background of how my life has been improving I'll take you back 12 years.

For several years between 11th Grade in High School and 3 1/2 years of College I never had a boyfriend...actually I never even had a date during that time! I never really missed dating. Ok, actually I did. I really missed having someone hug me and having someone to hold hands with, go to dinner and a movie with, etc. So, I got to a point in my life where I would (unknowingly) take the first guy to come along. That happened in the Spring of 1998. The grocery store deli I worked at had just hired a new guy, all of the other deli employees were women so this was a big shock! The new guy and I started talking and we ended up "together". (I can't necessarily say we were "in love" because I NOW know what that truly means. Back then I had no idea). So, we started dating and spent MANY hours a day together. I now know that was my first mistake. I put more time and energy into that relationship than I did for my own life. I quit college for him (I only had 1 or 2 semesters to go to complete my Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts). That was just the beginning of my downward spiral.

Fast forward 8 years: I am still in this relationship. It is horrible and I don't know how to get out of it. It has become an emotionally abusive situation every single day. We have been engaged for almost the entire 8 year span. He has broken off the marriage 3 times. I guess when he broke off the engagement the first time I should have run away screaming. But, I stayed thinking we could work through things. In the meantime, I have cut myself off from all my friends and worse, my family. He never cared much for my family and he had a very bad home life himself. So being the caring individual I am, I chose to take "his" side and leave my family in the dust. It was already a very stressful home life for me so I didn't want to "rock the boat" with him and have him flip out on me (as he so often did). There were a few good times. But, for the most part he drown himself in alcohol and cigarettes. He was an alcoholic but neither of us wanted to admit it. I was the only one working for the entire 9 year relationship. I paid for EVERYTHING: rent, electric, gas, groceries, phone, internet, his alcohol and his cigarettes. He never EVER lifted a finger to help out around the house. I worked full time (most of the time) then came home to him passed out. I would have to clean up the house, do the dishes, cook the food, do the laundry and take care of our 3 cats. He was worthless and I was becoming worthless like him. I tried to go back to college to get an Associates Degree in Business...but once again, he made me feel guilty for not being at home much (probably to take care of HIM) so I quit college...AGAIN. We moved constantly because our bills and rent would not be paid so we were constantly fearful of being evicted. Since I had to pay for everything I became drowned in debt. I still have debt collectors contacting me to this day.

Not only was he a human leach but he was also a "cheater". He was addicted to the internet and meeting girls online. I "pretended" not to notice because I was afraid of being alone and not having a boyfriend. I caught him in the act a few times and confronted him. But, of course, he played it off as something else and I always forgave him. Boy, was I stupid. I began to hate myself (and him) more and more everyday. I can not believe how much mental damage I endured through this entire relationship. And yes, there was some physical abuse as well. I was slapped, choked, arms squeezed until it was red, and I even caused some of my own physical abuse. I was so starved for his attention that I took a steak knife to my own wrist...just to get him to walk away from his computer. He walked away long enough to grab the knife from me and throw it down...then he went back to his computer to talk to a certain girl (that I knew about). So, I continued with the knife thing until he stopped. I had several cuts on my left wrist that started to bleed, but nothing too serious. This was the end for us...and I HAD to make it happen, somehow.

In 2007, I joined a website that my guy told me about. This is where he was meeting people that were apparently too important to pull himself away from to pay attention to me trying to cut my wrist. This is how I met my "rescuer"! I didn't intend to find him...I was just trying to find a way to "check up" on my current "fiance" so I could confront him for flirting with other girls, etc. hopefully giving me a way out of this horrible situation. I began to confide in my rescuer and told him my whole story. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want me but he made me believe in myself enough to end the awful Hell I was living in. I finally gained the courage needed to end the relationship after almost 9 years of pure hatred and evil. I sent him packing back to his Mommy's. He cried like a baby. I figured it was because he would have to finally GROW up and take care of himself. And for once I didn't feel guilty about it. I was glad to get rid of him. I was tired of feeling like crap. I didn't have any friends because he would make me feel guilty if I wanted to go out with friends after work. After he left, my rescuer made me realize how good a person I really am and how I deserve so much more in life. I had to learn how to love myself! After almost a decade of taking care of someone else and not knowing how to love or take care of myself I found it incredibly hard. I had to get some therapy and antidepressants. This would not have been my first choice for recovery but it was recommended by the doctor.

As it turns out, I fell in love with my Canadian rescuer. And now I know what that truly means! At first I didn't think anything would happen between us. After all, I was living in Cincinnati, OH and he was in Edmonton, Alberta...that's in CANADA! A foreign country! There's no way a relationship could work if both people were that far apart! I was wrong...so VERY wrong. Thank the good Lord for free long distance through the cable companies! We spent hours after hours talking on the phone (or computer) getting to know one another. It was amazing how well we connected. I HAD to meet him! I wasn't really financially stable just yet so I had to figure out a "cheap" way of traveling to Edmonton. I only had a week to travel so I knew I couldn't drive there (it's about a 32 hour drive) because gas and hotels are expensive. I also knew I couldn't afford a plane ticket...so my only other option was the Greyhound. I had never taken a Greyhound bus in my life. Wow, was it ever an experience. My first mistake was not telling my family (in person) that I was going. I ended up leaving them a note to say I broke up with my ex, I met this guy on the internet and I was taking a Greyhound to Canada to meet him. 56 hours later and lost luggage along the way, I got off the bus to see Rob, my Canadian rescuer standing there with open arms to give me that much needed hug! I had been on the bus for almost 3 days, had no makeup on, and needed a shower...but it was TRUE LOVE at first sight! I knew I was finally getting my life back!