Tragedy Brings Life Changes and a Lack of Sleep

It's been a while since I've blogged but something has been weighing heavily on me that I need to get off my chest. I believe very strongly that what I'm about to write is the root of all my current anxiety, depression and sleepless nights. This is not something I have told a lot of people about.

Almost four years ago, July 24, 2006 to be exact, I was on my way home from work when I witnessed the worst thing to ever happen in my life. As I was stopped at a red light in downtown Cincinnati I observed a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk to my right. For some reason I was just drawn to him...he was unkempt with a bushy beard and cut off jean shorts. I remember he had a bandaged right knee and one of his arms was in a cast or a sling of some sort. I watched as he approached the corner of West Third St. and Central Ave. What was very odd was that he kept his walking pace not even hesitating at the corner. He had a "no walk" sign but that didn't seem to phase him as he stepped out in the street. At that exact moment the on-coming traffic had an advance green arrow to turn left on to Central Ave. The first vehicle was a Cincinnati Metro bus. As I watched the event unfold before my eyes I thought for sure the bus driver must see this crazy man walking without hesitation into the street. But, to my horror the bus driver merely sped up hitting the man throwing him several yards and running over him. I can not believe what I just witnessed. I watched that man take his last breath. I watched as the bus tires ran over him leaving him in a pool of blood. And the worst thing of all is that when our light turned green, instead of stopping to wait for the cops and fill out a witness report, I drove away. I JUST DROVE AWAY!!!! This has haunted me for the last four years! This cloud of guilt hangs over my head every single day of my life. Why didn't I stop to help!? Why didn't I honk my horn to get his attention so he wouldn't walk into the path of the on-coming bus?! What if I am the only person who was paying attention to know exactly what happened? What if I could have saved his life?! The guilt is almost too much to bear.

This particular event has scarred me for life. I remember exactly what I was wearing that day...I threw both shirt and pants away. I remember that "Doll Parts" by Hole was playing on the radio...I haven't listened to that song since. I remember the car in front of me (I was second in line at the stop light) was white. The news article says he was a homeless man. That still doesn't explain why he neglected all rules of the road as if they didn't apply to him. I talked to my co-workers the next day about it and most people said "it sounds like he just committed suicide." I think there was more to it than that. Even if someone was to commit suicide this way there would have been some form of hesitation...but he had none. The more I think about the situation I have a theory of my own. While I was living in the dorm in college my neighbor across the hall often asked me for help with her roommate who had epilepsy. There were several times when the roommate would have walking seizures and would unknowingly walk for miles without stopping. When she would come out of her seizure she would be lost, sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes the police would bring her back saying she nearly got hit by a car because she didn't stop. Sounds exactly like what I saw with the homeless man.

For a long time after this awful event I didn't want to go outside...anything could happen. A plane could drop out of the sky and kill me. I didn't want to drive...another car could hit and kill me. Crossing the street was the worst. And if there was a bus waiting at a red light and I had to walk across in front of it...forget it. I would walk several blocks out of my way so I wouldn't have to be in the bus' path. Riding a bus was simply out of the question. All I wanted to do was stay in my apartment and close the blinds. If I couldn't see the world outside then it couldn't hurt me. This is the single moment when my life changed forever. My not-so-wonderful relationship was spiraling even faster to an end. I was wasting my short life on something that could never make me happy. Life seemed so precious now. I could be gone any second!

When I met Rob these fears of the world seemed to subside. I now had something wonderful to concentrate on and something to take my mind of this tragedy. For some reason, this event has come back to me full force for the last year or so. I used to only dream about the situation once or twice a week. Now, every time I close my eyes all I can do is replay that tragic event in my mind over and over. This is causing me to only get a few hours of sleep at night. I've been more grumpy and cranky each day. As soon as we leave the house EVERYTHING starts to bother me. People seem to stare at me (even though Rob says no one is looking at me), people seem to drive stupider, I get angry and unsatisfied. Nothing ever seems to go right. I feel as if someone is out to get me. My anxiety runs rampant and social situations are out of the question. Until I get home...home is my security blanket. Nothing can hurt me when I'm at home. Why has this event been coming back so clearly to me recently? Is it because of all the huge life changes that have happened in the last year or so...moving to Great Falls and not having a job or friends, Rob going to rehab, getting married, working on immigration and missing my family? It's getting to the point where I hate bed time. I already know what's going to happen. The lights will go off, Rob & I kiss and wish each other a good night, and I close my eyes only to see this "movie" play over and over in my mind. There is no erasing it. What I saw will never be erased. Some people may feel this is nothing to dwell on but unless you have actually witnessed someone being killed in front of you I don't think you could ever know what I'm feeling. I cry all the time about what happened. Even looking up the news article so I could post it for you to read brought back uncontrollable tears. When I read the first article it says "The Cincinnati Police Traffic Unit is asking that anybody who may have witnessed this crash contact the Traffic Unit at (513) 352-2514." I never even picked up my cell phone when it happened. This, too, has been eating away at me. I was so upset when it happened I guess I just figured someone else would call the cops. I also didn't want to hold up traffic behind me since it was during rush hour, which is why I drove away. Why am I always so afraid of making people mad?! And to top it all off, a year after the accident took place the bus driver was charged with a misdemeanor manslaughter charge. If I had come forward as a witness to say it was NOT her fault, would things be different for her now?

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give in this blog posting. Well, maybe I do...Live life to the fullest! Life is precious and too short. While driving please watch for pedestrians. And if you're a pedestrian...please stop and look before you cross the street! And finally, if you have the unfortunate luck to witness an event like I did, don't drive away! Call 911 and wait to fill out a witness report! That action may be the only thing saving you from a guilty conscience for the rest of your life. I wish I had done more to help.