It's been a while since I've blogged but something has been weighing heavily on me that I need to get off my chest. I believe very strongly that what I'm about to write is the root of all my current anxiety, depression and sleepless nights. This is not something I have told a lot of people about.
Almost four years ago, July 24, 2006 to be exact, I was on my way home from work when I witnessed the worst thing to ever happen in my life. As I was stopped at a red light in downtown Cincinnati I observed a pedestrian walking on the sidewalk to my right. For some reason I was just drawn to him...he was unkempt with a bushy beard and cut off jean shorts. I remember he had a bandaged right knee and one of his arms was in a cast or a sling of some sort. I watched as he approached the corner of West Third St. and Central Ave. What was very odd was that he kept his walking pace not even hesitating at the corner. He had a "no walk" sign but that didn't seem to phase him as he stepped out in the street. At that exact moment the on-coming traffic had an advance green arrow to turn left on to Central Ave. The first vehicle was a Cincinnati Metro bus. As I watched the event unfold before my eyes I thought for sure the bus driver must see this crazy man walking without hesitation into the street. But, to my horror the bus driver merely sped up hitting the man throwing him several yards and running over him. I can not believe what I just witnessed. I watched that man take his last breath. I watched as the bus tires ran over him leaving him in a pool of blood. And the worst thing of all is that when our light turned green, instead of stopping to wait for the cops and fill out a witness report, I drove away. I JUST DROVE AWAY!!!! This has haunted me for the last four years! This cloud of guilt hangs over my head every single day of my life. Why didn't I stop to help!? Why didn't I honk my horn to get his attention so he wouldn't walk into the path of the on-coming bus?! What if I am the only person who was paying attention to know exactly what happened? What if I could have saved his life?! The guilt is almost too much to bear.
This particular event has scarred me for life. I remember exactly what I was wearing that day...I threw both shirt and pants away. I remember that "Doll Parts" by Hole was playing on the radio...I haven't listened to that song since. I remember the car in front of me (I was second in line at the stop light) was white. The news article says he was a homeless man. That still doesn't explain why he neglected all rules of the road as if they didn't apply to him. I talked to my co-workers the next day about it and most people said "it sounds like he just committed suicide." I think there was more to it than that. Even if someone was to commit suicide this way there would have been some form of hesitation...but he had none. The more I think about the situation I have a theory of my own. While I was living in the dorm in college my neighbor across the hall often asked me for help with her roommate who had epilepsy. There were several times when the roommate would have walking seizures and would unknowingly walk for miles without stopping. When she would come out of her seizure she would be lost, sometimes in the middle of the night. Sometimes the police would bring her back saying she nearly got hit by a car because she didn't stop. Sounds exactly like what I saw with the homeless man.
For a long time after this awful event I didn't want to go outside...anything could happen. A plane could drop out of the sky and kill me. I didn't want to drive...another car could hit and kill me. Crossing the street was the worst. And if there was a bus waiting at a red light and I had to walk across in front of it...forget it. I would walk several blocks out of my way so I wouldn't have to be in the bus' path. Riding a bus was simply out of the question. All I wanted to do was stay in my apartment and close the blinds. If I couldn't see the world outside then it couldn't hurt me. This is the single moment when my life changed forever. My not-so-wonderful relationship was spiraling even faster to an end. I was wasting my short life on something that could never make me happy. Life seemed so precious now. I could be gone any second!
When I met Rob these fears of the world seemed to subside. I now had something wonderful to concentrate on and something to take my mind of this tragedy. For some reason, this event has come back to me full force for the last year or so. I used to only dream about the situation once or twice a week. Now, every time I close my eyes all I can do is replay that tragic event in my mind over and over. This is causing me to only get a few hours of sleep at night. I've been more grumpy and cranky each day. As soon as we leave the house EVERYTHING starts to bother me. People seem to stare at me (even though Rob says no one is looking at me), people seem to drive stupider, I get angry and unsatisfied. Nothing ever seems to go right. I feel as if someone is out to get me. My anxiety runs rampant and social situations are out of the question. Until I get home...home is my security blanket. Nothing can hurt me when I'm at home. Why has this event been coming back so clearly to me recently? Is it because of all the huge life changes that have happened in the last year or so...moving to Great Falls and not having a job or friends, Rob going to rehab, getting married, working on immigration and missing my family? It's getting to the point where I hate bed time. I already know what's going to happen. The lights will go off, Rob & I kiss and wish each other a good night, and I close my eyes only to see this "movie" play over and over in my mind. There is no erasing it. What I saw will never be erased. Some people may feel this is nothing to dwell on but unless you have actually witnessed someone being killed in front of you I don't think you could ever know what I'm feeling. I cry all the time about what happened. Even looking up the news article so I could post it for you to read brought back uncontrollable tears. When I read the first article it says "The Cincinnati Police Traffic Unit is asking that anybody who may have witnessed this crash contact the Traffic Unit at (513) 352-2514." I never even picked up my cell phone when it happened. This, too, has been eating away at me. I was so upset when it happened I guess I just figured someone else would call the cops. I also didn't want to hold up traffic behind me since it was during rush hour, which is why I drove away. Why am I always so afraid of making people mad?! And to top it all off, a year after the accident took place the bus driver was charged with a misdemeanor manslaughter charge. If I had come forward as a witness to say it was NOT her fault, would things be different for her now?
Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give in this blog posting. Well, maybe I do...Live life to the fullest! Life is precious and too short. While driving please watch for pedestrians. And if you're a pedestrian...please stop and look before you cross the street! And finally, if you have the unfortunate luck to witness an event like I did, don't drive away! Call 911 and wait to fill out a witness report! That action may be the only thing saving you from a guilty conscience for the rest of your life. I wish I had done more to help.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Just Another "Hiccup" of Life!
So, today Rob & I went to the Edmonton Mennonite Centre for Newcomers to meet with an immigration consultant. We were given information from the Centre about what forms we need to start filling out. I knew we would both have a lot of questions so Rob called to see if we could meet with someone. But, because we both speak English, they said there "should be no problems or issues with us filling out the paperwork." Sure...except for the issue of not understanding Government jargon! They let us come in to the Centre to speak to someone, but only for fifteen minutes! I had a whole list of questions to ask them but got NONE of them answered in the time they allowed. When we got there they whisked us away to a room, sat down with us and went over the paper work telling us what we needed to fill out and what not to fill out. The consultant proceeded to tell us about the fees we would have to pay. It turns out to be a lot more than we had hoped for. I guess we should have expected this...it is the government after all.
Then he proceeded to tell us that it doesn't matter to Immigration how much Rob makes per year (since he is sponsoring me as his spouse). However, he can not sponsor me if he is on Social Assistance. Currently he is receiving Social Assistance because he has some health issues and was ordered by his doctor to take a leave from work. So now what?! No one else can sponsor me. I can't apply for a skilled worker visa because I'm not "skilled" in any type of job (I don't have a college degree and to be offered a job as a skilled worker you have to be in a trade that either no one in Alberta can fill or the company has exhausted their efforts trying to hire Canadians to fill the position.) I could try to go back to school and get a student visa but that would cost over $25,000 a year! So, when we weigh our options, it seems like Rob finding full time employment and going off Social Assistance is the easiest option. We will just have to push our start date for filling out paperwork back a little bit.
My sister emailed me last night and said she was concerned that this is becoming harder and harder because God is trying to close off this path of my life. Although I appreciate her concern I know this is not the case. Life is not easy and never will be. Life is full of hardships and "hiccups". These hiccups are meant to challenge us, ultimately making us stronger human beings. I've always been taught that God only pushes us so far and only gives us as much as we can bear. I know that's what is happening in our lives now. We have both been through MUCH worse scenarios so we know we can make it through this challenge. Sometimes we just need a situation to bring us back to reality and to help us remember what we're fighting for. We will continue to fight for this because this is what we both want more than anything in this world. When you want something bad enough you will fight to the very end! We are not about to give up and we will not allow the Government rules and paperwork to force us to give in! They have put these rules in place to keep bad things from happening and we understand that completely. I just wish there weren't so many steps involved. In the end, we'll make it and it will be great! But for now we have a hill to climb and it won't be easy.
Then he proceeded to tell us that it doesn't matter to Immigration how much Rob makes per year (since he is sponsoring me as his spouse). However, he can not sponsor me if he is on Social Assistance. Currently he is receiving Social Assistance because he has some health issues and was ordered by his doctor to take a leave from work. So now what?! No one else can sponsor me. I can't apply for a skilled worker visa because I'm not "skilled" in any type of job (I don't have a college degree and to be offered a job as a skilled worker you have to be in a trade that either no one in Alberta can fill or the company has exhausted their efforts trying to hire Canadians to fill the position.) I could try to go back to school and get a student visa but that would cost over $25,000 a year! So, when we weigh our options, it seems like Rob finding full time employment and going off Social Assistance is the easiest option. We will just have to push our start date for filling out paperwork back a little bit.
My sister emailed me last night and said she was concerned that this is becoming harder and harder because God is trying to close off this path of my life. Although I appreciate her concern I know this is not the case. Life is not easy and never will be. Life is full of hardships and "hiccups". These hiccups are meant to challenge us, ultimately making us stronger human beings. I've always been taught that God only pushes us so far and only gives us as much as we can bear. I know that's what is happening in our lives now. We have both been through MUCH worse scenarios so we know we can make it through this challenge. Sometimes we just need a situation to bring us back to reality and to help us remember what we're fighting for. We will continue to fight for this because this is what we both want more than anything in this world. When you want something bad enough you will fight to the very end! We are not about to give up and we will not allow the Government rules and paperwork to force us to give in! They have put these rules in place to keep bad things from happening and we understand that completely. I just wish there weren't so many steps involved. In the end, we'll make it and it will be great! But for now we have a hill to climb and it won't be easy.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
A Healthy Relationship
Last week Rob and I received our official marriage certificate in the mail! Included in the envelope was an information sheet called the Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship. Coming from a "broken" relationship in my past I found this list to be very interesting! I want to share the ten characteristics with you:
1. The partners in the relationship value themselves and each other. They understand each other's differences and they treat each other with respect and courtesy.
2. The partners are equal. They make decisions together. If they have children, they parent together.
3. When the partners disagree they know that it's okay to talk about their differences. They work it out together. They find ways for both partners to get what they need.
4. The partners listen to and respect each other's viewpoints. They express their feelings and opinions. They do not make hurtful comments about the other person.
5. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves. They do not expect the other person to resolve all their problems or always make them happy.
6. The partners each feel comfortable taking time alone if they need it. They feel okay about doing some things separately.
7. There is no fear in their relationship. Healthy relationships are built on love, respect, caring and happiness.
8. The partners do not try to restrict or control each other. They encourage and support each other's growth.
9. Even when the partners are busy, they make time for one another and their relationship.
10. The partners have a circle of people who know them and support them as a couple. They spend time with others who have strong and healthy relationships.
Now, I won't pretend to be an expert on marriage, especially since I am technically still a newlywed. But, as I look at this list I can already see these steps being taken in my new marriage. I can also see how every single one of these ten steps has failed in my past relationships. In my opinion, if you can check off these ten steps then you must have the right person in your life. If you can not check off any of these items, it may be time to rethink your relationship. If you still feel like you are with the right person in your relationship/marriage but you still can't cross off a few of these ten characteristics, maybe you should sit down with your significant other and work on ways to fix the issue so you CAN check it off this list. I never want anyone to ever feel the way I did in my past relationships! I can't even begin to tell you how low and miserable I felt every single day of my life. If I had this list of characteristics in front of me five years ago my life may be a lot different than it is now. That could be a blessing and a curse. If I had read this list earlier in my life I may never have been in a bad relationship (blessing) and thus never have met Rob (curse). There is definitely a reason why I never had this list before. I was meant to find true love in Rob. Now that I am lucky enough to have him in my life I can take this list to heart. I find that I compare this list to my parents' marriage and see how wonderful their relationship has been through the years. They are truly blessed and I hope my marriage to Rob will be just as blessed as our parents' marriages have been. If we follow these Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship, anything is possible! Therefore, I WILL follow these ten characteristics and be the best wife I can possibly be!
1. The partners in the relationship value themselves and each other. They understand each other's differences and they treat each other with respect and courtesy.
2. The partners are equal. They make decisions together. If they have children, they parent together.
3. When the partners disagree they know that it's okay to talk about their differences. They work it out together. They find ways for both partners to get what they need.
4. The partners listen to and respect each other's viewpoints. They express their feelings and opinions. They do not make hurtful comments about the other person.
5. Each partner takes responsibility for themselves. They do not expect the other person to resolve all their problems or always make them happy.
6. The partners each feel comfortable taking time alone if they need it. They feel okay about doing some things separately.
7. There is no fear in their relationship. Healthy relationships are built on love, respect, caring and happiness.
8. The partners do not try to restrict or control each other. They encourage and support each other's growth.
9. Even when the partners are busy, they make time for one another and their relationship.
10. The partners have a circle of people who know them and support them as a couple. They spend time with others who have strong and healthy relationships.
Now, I won't pretend to be an expert on marriage, especially since I am technically still a newlywed. But, as I look at this list I can already see these steps being taken in my new marriage. I can also see how every single one of these ten steps has failed in my past relationships. In my opinion, if you can check off these ten steps then you must have the right person in your life. If you can not check off any of these items, it may be time to rethink your relationship. If you still feel like you are with the right person in your relationship/marriage but you still can't cross off a few of these ten characteristics, maybe you should sit down with your significant other and work on ways to fix the issue so you CAN check it off this list. I never want anyone to ever feel the way I did in my past relationships! I can't even begin to tell you how low and miserable I felt every single day of my life. If I had this list of characteristics in front of me five years ago my life may be a lot different than it is now. That could be a blessing and a curse. If I had read this list earlier in my life I may never have been in a bad relationship (blessing) and thus never have met Rob (curse). There is definitely a reason why I never had this list before. I was meant to find true love in Rob. Now that I am lucky enough to have him in my life I can take this list to heart. I find that I compare this list to my parents' marriage and see how wonderful their relationship has been through the years. They are truly blessed and I hope my marriage to Rob will be just as blessed as our parents' marriages have been. If we follow these Ten Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship, anything is possible! Therefore, I WILL follow these ten characteristics and be the best wife I can possibly be!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Thinking of You!
As I was just sitting here going through my Facebook page it dawned on me that there are more than several people who I haven't heard from in a very long time. Now that I think about it, I'm guilty of not contacting them either! I understand that it is so hard to find time for people, especially those who are close enough to meet for lunch or a cup of coffee. But you don't have to wait until you both have free time to say "hi". Technology is wonderful!
I have found it very disheartening when I make several attempts to contact those who have made an impact on my life but who are too busy to contact me in return. I am a very emotional person and tend to take things the wrong way. If I message someone on Facebook or through email and I don't hear back from them I immediately try to recall what I must have done to upset them. Why won't they talk to me? Did I forget their birthday? Or worse, did I forget to wear deodorant the last time I saw them? I also worry that I'm one of those annoying people that others "pretend" to like to my face but they end up making fun of me behind my back. People who don't "ignore" me have said, "Oh well, who needs them? You know who your 'true' friends are". I'll tell you who needs them...I do! I have a special place in my heart for everyone I've come in contact with in my life! I have a different memory for each and every one of them! When they chose to "ignore" me or chose not to contact me back I feel a little smaller inside. I've taken the initiative to contact them but they have made no effort in return. This may be one more thing I will just have to deal with in my life. After all, I am the kind of person that wants everyone to be happy and will go out of my way to make it happen for them. I try to be caring and compassionate but in the end I don't usually get the respect I deserve...or need!
I tend to live by the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." I try to smile at everyone. I wave when someone let's me in front of them when I change lanes or they let me in front of them when pulling out of a parking lot. I hold the door for others and say thank you when people hold the door for me (which seems to be rare these days). Not many people do the same to me. This is the same as "ignoring" an email or message from someone you consider a friend. It wouldn't kill the other person to just type a couple of sentences to let me know they are still breathing, would it?! I know, I could probably just pick up the phone and call them. But I constantly feel like I am bothering people if I call them. (Plus, I really hate talking on the phone. The awkward silences are horrible!) I just constantly feel like I give and give and get nothing in return. I deserve some sort of recognition, right? I really feel like I'm not worth it to them to even bother typing a couple of sentences. And that's really sad.
I know I'm guilty of doing this...to a point. I love my friends and family. I love being in contact with all my long lost friends from high school, college and previous jobs. It makes my day when I can see what they've been doing with their lives. I know if one of them takes the initiative to speak to me I'll be more than happy to reciprocate the action. They are my friends and friendships should be effortless.
Right now I would like to take this opportunity to say to you...no matter how long we've been friends (or even just acquaintances)...I care about you! I have a special place for you somewhere in my heart. Don't think...even for a second...that I don't care about you especially if it takes me a few days, weeks or even months to speak to you. I think about you all the time. Even if we have barely spoken to each other at all I still care about you. For the family members that I've barely spoken to until recently I say to you...welcome to my life! I'm so thankful for you and look forward to you being a part of my crazy existence! It has been more than a pleasure to be in contact with you!
I really hope you take this "rant" into consideration. The next time you are thinking about someone please take one minute to just type them a quick message! You never know what their life situation might be. You could be making the most important impact in their lives at that particular moment. I know when I feel really down, almost to 'rock bottom', having a note, phone call or message out-of-the-blue can really make my day! Don't just "think" about someone...take the initiative to let them KNOW you are thinking of them! You may be their only hope. Life is too short and very unpredictable. You could actually save their LIFE just by messaging them a quick "hello". Let them know you care about them! And for those of you who are on the receiving end of these out-of-the-blue messages take a quick second to return the message with a very appropriate "Thank you". Acknowledgment means everything.
I have found it very disheartening when I make several attempts to contact those who have made an impact on my life but who are too busy to contact me in return. I am a very emotional person and tend to take things the wrong way. If I message someone on Facebook or through email and I don't hear back from them I immediately try to recall what I must have done to upset them. Why won't they talk to me? Did I forget their birthday? Or worse, did I forget to wear deodorant the last time I saw them? I also worry that I'm one of those annoying people that others "pretend" to like to my face but they end up making fun of me behind my back. People who don't "ignore" me have said, "Oh well, who needs them? You know who your 'true' friends are". I'll tell you who needs them...I do! I have a special place in my heart for everyone I've come in contact with in my life! I have a different memory for each and every one of them! When they chose to "ignore" me or chose not to contact me back I feel a little smaller inside. I've taken the initiative to contact them but they have made no effort in return. This may be one more thing I will just have to deal with in my life. After all, I am the kind of person that wants everyone to be happy and will go out of my way to make it happen for them. I try to be caring and compassionate but in the end I don't usually get the respect I deserve...or need!
I tend to live by the Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." I try to smile at everyone. I wave when someone let's me in front of them when I change lanes or they let me in front of them when pulling out of a parking lot. I hold the door for others and say thank you when people hold the door for me (which seems to be rare these days). Not many people do the same to me. This is the same as "ignoring" an email or message from someone you consider a friend. It wouldn't kill the other person to just type a couple of sentences to let me know they are still breathing, would it?! I know, I could probably just pick up the phone and call them. But I constantly feel like I am bothering people if I call them. (Plus, I really hate talking on the phone. The awkward silences are horrible!) I just constantly feel like I give and give and get nothing in return. I deserve some sort of recognition, right? I really feel like I'm not worth it to them to even bother typing a couple of sentences. And that's really sad.
I know I'm guilty of doing this...to a point. I love my friends and family. I love being in contact with all my long lost friends from high school, college and previous jobs. It makes my day when I can see what they've been doing with their lives. I know if one of them takes the initiative to speak to me I'll be more than happy to reciprocate the action. They are my friends and friendships should be effortless.
Right now I would like to take this opportunity to say to you...no matter how long we've been friends (or even just acquaintances)...I care about you! I have a special place for you somewhere in my heart. Don't think...even for a second...that I don't care about you especially if it takes me a few days, weeks or even months to speak to you. I think about you all the time. Even if we have barely spoken to each other at all I still care about you. For the family members that I've barely spoken to until recently I say to you...welcome to my life! I'm so thankful for you and look forward to you being a part of my crazy existence! It has been more than a pleasure to be in contact with you!
I really hope you take this "rant" into consideration. The next time you are thinking about someone please take one minute to just type them a quick message! You never know what their life situation might be. You could be making the most important impact in their lives at that particular moment. I know when I feel really down, almost to 'rock bottom', having a note, phone call or message out-of-the-blue can really make my day! Don't just "think" about someone...take the initiative to let them KNOW you are thinking of them! You may be their only hope. Life is too short and very unpredictable. You could actually save their LIFE just by messaging them a quick "hello". Let them know you care about them! And for those of you who are on the receiving end of these out-of-the-blue messages take a quick second to return the message with a very appropriate "Thank you". Acknowledgment means everything.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I Don't Need a College Degree to Tell Me I'm an Artist!
I don't know if you are anything like me but there are times when I just can't function if I'm not in the right state of mind. I'm not talking about being too tired from staying up late the night before or being in a "food coma" from having a big meal. I'm talking about being in a bad place in life.
Back in High School I took several art classes that made me really start to love art. I didn't spend too much time drawing or painting at home but I loved my art classes. Maybe it was because I had a lot of close friends in my classes. Or maybe it was just because deep down I loved art and didn't know it yet. I decided maybe I'd go to college to be a fine art major. My dad suggested I go for Graphic Design because I could make a pretty good living after college. I spoke to my High School teachers, family and friends about going on to college for art and many of them laughed in my face. I remember them saying I would never make it as an artist and I should rethink my major in college all together. I didn't know how to take that. I was pretty hurt that my own teachers & family couldn't support me. I figured it was probably because I wasn't one of their favorite students. Nevertheless, I went on to college to be a Graphic Design major. I was in for a very big eye opener!
I'm not sure how some colleges are but at Bowling Green State University you get to start your Freshman year taking classes toward your major. At some schools you spend the first semester or so taking required classes like English and History. I had some of those too but I was lucky (or maybe UNlucky) enough to take an Intro to Graphic Design course. Maybe it was the instructor but I found I couldn't do ANYTHING right. Nothing I did was good enough for him. I tried to stick with it but by the end of my second semester as a Graphic Design major I decided it wasn't for me. I kept getting very low grades on my projects so I spoke to my counselor about possibly changing my major to something else. By this time I had the opportunity to take some other art classes like photography, watercolor and sculpture. Photography was high on my list! I had so much fun in the dark room messing around with my negatives and developing my own photos. This was for me! So, I changed my major to Fine Art Photography. This also proved to be a failure for me. My fellow classmates would critique my work as if a First Grader had taken the photos instead of me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for anyone! My grades started to suffer because I felt very self conscious and my self esteem was starting to diminish.
By the end of my college experience I had gotten in to the relationship with my ex. This "mistake" also proved to be the ending of my artistic career. He never supported me with any of my art projects. He just didn't "get it". When things started falling apart with school I lost interest and decided not to finish. It just didn't seem to be working out in my favor. My concentration seemed to be geared towards making my ex (boyfriend at the time) happy. He had moved to Bowling Green, OH to be near me as I finished school but when he couldn't pay his bills and take care of himself he had to move back to Mansfield, OH, our hometown. I decided I might as well go back with him because he was all I cared about at the time.
It seemed that I had lost interest in art but I still felt like something wonderful was being created in the depths of my mind. I just couldn't express it yet. My relationship with my ex had gotten worse and eventually I lost interest in everything. Art was the last thing on my mind. I can literally count on one hand how many paintings I had created in the nearly 9 years I spent with him. I had so much on my mind, like how we would make ends meet and how we would put food on the table. We fought all the time. Every ounce of life I had went to trying to make him happy. I had no time for art and he could have cared less if I made art or not. I tried numerous times to create something...but my heart just wasn't in it. I can't create art in this state of mind and I definitely didn't have the courage to show any of my artwork to others. I couldn't take a chance on hearing more negativity towards my art...or my life.
It's never been quite clear to me what I wanted to do with me life. Until, of course, I met Rob. He had been an Arts Administration major in college and also attend an "alternative" high school which focused on the arts. This was just one more thing we had in common and one more way we could "connect." Once I moved to Great Falls and got the job at the art museum my love for art returned full force! Creativity was around me all day EVERY day. I would go home at night and, while talking to Rob on the phone, would create abstract watercolor paintings. I was so happy creating with my hands! I had forgotten how much I loved painting! Everyone around me was so supportive and for once people actually liked my art! I finally had the courage to show others my artwork! When I moved to Edmonton my love for creating became even stronger. Once I was able to be in the presence of Rob my creative juices were over flowing! He, too, had put creating art on the back burner of his life. He began to create works of art again. We would sit at the kitchen table for hours just painting together. It became very clear to me what I wanted to do with my life. At that moment I knew we should start our own art studio. I began researching how to have a career as an artist. I spent several days trying to figure out the best name for our art studio. It needed to be something that meant something to us. This would be harder than I thought.
In late Spring of 2009, Rob was outside in the late evening enjoying the warm fresh air when he mentioned I should come outside and look at the sky. As I did I noticed the eerie green lights moving and shifting slowly across the sky. It was the Northern Lights! I was finally experiencing them in person! I've seen photos of how beautiful they are but I never guessed I would see them in Edmonton, especially with all the city lights glowing in the skies around us. I was taken aback! These were so neat! And so...Canadian! As I was trying to think of a name for our art studio I remembered how wonderful that phenomenon had been. That was the basis for our name decision. We would call our art studio Polar Lights Art Studio. It was perfect! Instantly we were drawn into a creative routine. Everything now revolves around our studio. It has made us so happy, me especially. I've never felt comfortable calling myself an artist. Rob assured me that if you have created something with your hands you are now an artist. So...I guess I'm an artist! I have created over 65 pieces of artwork since I met Rob in 2007, 47 of which have been created in 2009 at Polar Lights Art Studio! I've had two pieces shown in exhibits already! We even have a website and Facebook page for our studio! This is way more success than I ever expected. Now I know what I'm going to do with my life! And I don't need a college degree to tell me I'm an artist!
Back in High School I took several art classes that made me really start to love art. I didn't spend too much time drawing or painting at home but I loved my art classes. Maybe it was because I had a lot of close friends in my classes. Or maybe it was just because deep down I loved art and didn't know it yet. I decided maybe I'd go to college to be a fine art major. My dad suggested I go for Graphic Design because I could make a pretty good living after college. I spoke to my High School teachers, family and friends about going on to college for art and many of them laughed in my face. I remember them saying I would never make it as an artist and I should rethink my major in college all together. I didn't know how to take that. I was pretty hurt that my own teachers & family couldn't support me. I figured it was probably because I wasn't one of their favorite students. Nevertheless, I went on to college to be a Graphic Design major. I was in for a very big eye opener!
I'm not sure how some colleges are but at Bowling Green State University you get to start your Freshman year taking classes toward your major. At some schools you spend the first semester or so taking required classes like English and History. I had some of those too but I was lucky (or maybe UNlucky) enough to take an Intro to Graphic Design course. Maybe it was the instructor but I found I couldn't do ANYTHING right. Nothing I did was good enough for him. I tried to stick with it but by the end of my second semester as a Graphic Design major I decided it wasn't for me. I kept getting very low grades on my projects so I spoke to my counselor about possibly changing my major to something else. By this time I had the opportunity to take some other art classes like photography, watercolor and sculpture. Photography was high on my list! I had so much fun in the dark room messing around with my negatives and developing my own photos. This was for me! So, I changed my major to Fine Art Photography. This also proved to be a failure for me. My fellow classmates would critique my work as if a First Grader had taken the photos instead of me. Nothing I ever did was good enough for anyone! My grades started to suffer because I felt very self conscious and my self esteem was starting to diminish.
By the end of my college experience I had gotten in to the relationship with my ex. This "mistake" also proved to be the ending of my artistic career. He never supported me with any of my art projects. He just didn't "get it". When things started falling apart with school I lost interest and decided not to finish. It just didn't seem to be working out in my favor. My concentration seemed to be geared towards making my ex (boyfriend at the time) happy. He had moved to Bowling Green, OH to be near me as I finished school but when he couldn't pay his bills and take care of himself he had to move back to Mansfield, OH, our hometown. I decided I might as well go back with him because he was all I cared about at the time.
It seemed that I had lost interest in art but I still felt like something wonderful was being created in the depths of my mind. I just couldn't express it yet. My relationship with my ex had gotten worse and eventually I lost interest in everything. Art was the last thing on my mind. I can literally count on one hand how many paintings I had created in the nearly 9 years I spent with him. I had so much on my mind, like how we would make ends meet and how we would put food on the table. We fought all the time. Every ounce of life I had went to trying to make him happy. I had no time for art and he could have cared less if I made art or not. I tried numerous times to create something...but my heart just wasn't in it. I can't create art in this state of mind and I definitely didn't have the courage to show any of my artwork to others. I couldn't take a chance on hearing more negativity towards my art...or my life.
It's never been quite clear to me what I wanted to do with me life. Until, of course, I met Rob. He had been an Arts Administration major in college and also attend an "alternative" high school which focused on the arts. This was just one more thing we had in common and one more way we could "connect." Once I moved to Great Falls and got the job at the art museum my love for art returned full force! Creativity was around me all day EVERY day. I would go home at night and, while talking to Rob on the phone, would create abstract watercolor paintings. I was so happy creating with my hands! I had forgotten how much I loved painting! Everyone around me was so supportive and for once people actually liked my art! I finally had the courage to show others my artwork! When I moved to Edmonton my love for creating became even stronger. Once I was able to be in the presence of Rob my creative juices were over flowing! He, too, had put creating art on the back burner of his life. He began to create works of art again. We would sit at the kitchen table for hours just painting together. It became very clear to me what I wanted to do with my life. At that moment I knew we should start our own art studio. I began researching how to have a career as an artist. I spent several days trying to figure out the best name for our art studio. It needed to be something that meant something to us. This would be harder than I thought.
In late Spring of 2009, Rob was outside in the late evening enjoying the warm fresh air when he mentioned I should come outside and look at the sky. As I did I noticed the eerie green lights moving and shifting slowly across the sky. It was the Northern Lights! I was finally experiencing them in person! I've seen photos of how beautiful they are but I never guessed I would see them in Edmonton, especially with all the city lights glowing in the skies around us. I was taken aback! These were so neat! And so...Canadian! As I was trying to think of a name for our art studio I remembered how wonderful that phenomenon had been. That was the basis for our name decision. We would call our art studio Polar Lights Art Studio. It was perfect! Instantly we were drawn into a creative routine. Everything now revolves around our studio. It has made us so happy, me especially. I've never felt comfortable calling myself an artist. Rob assured me that if you have created something with your hands you are now an artist. So...I guess I'm an artist! I have created over 65 pieces of artwork since I met Rob in 2007, 47 of which have been created in 2009 at Polar Lights Art Studio! I've had two pieces shown in exhibits already! We even have a website and Facebook page for our studio! This is way more success than I ever expected. Now I know what I'm going to do with my life! And I don't need a college degree to tell me I'm an artist!
Friday, January 8, 2010
How did I get here? Part 2
I ended up only spending 3 days in Edmonton before I had to get back on the Greyhound to go back to Cincinnati. It was not a very relaxing "vacation" because Rob decided he wanted to come back to the States with me so he had a lot of loose ends he had to tie up before we left. He was not in a very good place in his life either and thought coming back with me would be a solution. He was in the middle of a divorce, he had mental/emotional disabilities which caused him to not be able to work so he was on social assistance (welfare), and he, like my ex, had a problem with alcohol and cigarettes. Having just met him I didn't think any of these things were that bad. But, little did either of us know, he was VERY unstable.
We got on the Greyhound heading East. The route would take us through almost the entire country of Canada! For most of the trip we had great fun, talking about everything and anything. When we were driving through Riding Mountain National Park in Manitoba, we were so taken by everything around us. That's when Rob proposed to me! Of course I said "yes" but then things started to get weird. I didn't know that Rob had problems sleeping and that is why he drank alcohol every day. I also didn't know he had a problem sleeping on a moving vehicle. He stayed awake for 3 days on the bus...and without the alcohol he started to have DTs (Delirium Tremens - an acute episode of delirium that is usually caused by withdrawal from alcohol.) He started to hallucinate and was fearful of little things (like the bus driver). I had no idea what was going on. When we arrived in Toronto things started to get much worse. From Toronto our next stop was London, Ontario. That was the worst part of the trip. Rob started hallucinating again but this time I was in the middle of it. He kept telling me he wanted to get off the bus and he wanted his bus ticket (which I was holding on to). I told him the bus was not going to stop on the side of the highway to let him off so he should SIT DOWN and BE QUIET! (By this time he was starting to make a scene. The bus was packed and he was standing in the aisle begging for his bus ticket). When we finally pulled in to the Greyhound station in London, the bus driver pretty much kicked Rob off the bus. There were two cops waiting for him and an ambulance. The bus driver must have called ahead to warn them. They put him in handcuffs. I was scared to death! I had just met this guy and I knew something was terribly wrong! This is NOT how this guy really acts. I just KNEW something was wrong. (We still didn't know it was the alcohol causing all this). I grabbed all our bags off the bus and went to figure out what was going on. I had two choices. I could say "Screw this!!" and get back on the bus to Cincinnati, probably never speaking to him again, or I could go to the hospital to find out what this was all about. I obviously chose the later and I am so thankful I did.
I couldn't see him right away when I got to the hospital. (He was handcuffed to a gurney and taken away in an ambulance. I had to stay and talk to the cops for a bit. They called me a cab to the hospital to meet up with Rob.) I could hear Rob yelling for me. I just remember crying and worrying that he was not going to be OK. I was in a little waiting room separate from the main waiting room. A woman walked by the room and glanced in to see me crying. She came back and peeked in the room asking if I was OK. For some reason I felt the need to tell her the story. She hugged me and told me he was in great hands and that things would all turn out for the best.
Finally, a nurse came in to tell me I could go see him. He had so many IVs and cords attached to his body. When he saw me and realized I didn't leave him he cried and reached out to hug me. I saw the life come back in his eyes. It made me feel like it was going to be OK and that he still cared for me. I wondered if his proposal in Manitoba really meant anything or if he was just having a hallucination. Turns out he was serious!
He stayed in the emergency room for quite awhile before they decided to admit him to the psychiatric ward. It was horrible. They locked him in this little, tiny room. They, at least, allowed me to stay in the room with him. They wanted to keep him overnight. I had no where to go so they reluctantly allowed me to stay locked in his room with him. There was only one bed so I slept on the cement floor with no pillow and only a thin hospital blanket to cover me. They had someone come in and check on him several times through the night. They made me so mad because they wanted to make sure he was functioning properly. But when they would come in at all hours of the night they would ask him questions, like what day is it? or what year is it? I'm sorry, but if I'm abruptly woken I don't necessarily know what the date is and I'm sane! He kept answering incorrectly so of course at 6:00 AM the next morning they decide he is not stable enough to be released. I was terrified! It was Sunday morning. I was in London, Ontario and I had to take a Greyhound the last 8 or so hours back to Cincinnati so I could go back to work the next morning! The psychiatrists/social workers told me there was nothing I could do and they were going to move him to a different area of the hospital where I would not be able to visit. I had no choice but to get back on the bus to Cincinnati. I was crushed. I thought there was no way I'd ever get to see Rob again and I wouldn't know if he was OK. The plan was when he got released from the hospital he would take the next bus to Cincinnati.
I went back to my somewhat normal routine until I heard from him that he was being released. I was so excited because he was on his way! That Tuesday evening I got a phone call from Customs and Border Patrol in Detroit/Windsor. They asked me all sorts of questions, like did I know Rob, how long was he going to stay with me, what would he do for money, etc. I answered the way I thought I should. I assumed he was standing there in the immigration office ready to cross the border. I waited patiently for the phone call from Rob that said he had arrived in Detroit. I got a phone call a couple hours after the border called me...it was NOT the phone call I had hoped for. Rob was not allowed to cross the border to the US and was sent back to Canada. My advice is DO NOT try to cross the US/Canada border if you have an expired passport, have just been released from the psych ward of a hospital and you only have $20 to your name. Rob had no where to go and ended up sleeping on the street outside the Windsor Greyhound station (the station was closed). The next morning he took the bus back to London where he checked himself back in to the psych ward. His parents had wired him a plane ticket back to Edmonton but he had to stay in the hospital for a few days. I decided to drive the 6 hours to London from Cincinnati to say "good-bye" because I didn't know when the next time was I would get to see him again. I stayed in London for the weekend then took him to the airport. It was such a sad time. All of our plans had been spoiled. Now what?
Once Rob got back to Edmonton he had to live with his parents because he lost his apartment thinking he would be living in the States with me for awhile. (This all happened before we realized how hard the immigration process really is!) I was thankful he was around his family because I was afraid he would "go crazy" again. A week or so later he had a new apartment and he started fresh. I visited Edmonton again that summer and I finally got to check out the city. I fell in love with Edmonton! His apartment, however, was in a very bad part of town and his place was a tiny one-room apartment. He had fallen back into his old drinking habits once again. He had done it for so long that he really didn't know any better. This is what he knew best. He took it one day at a time and he would do everything he could just to fall asleep and try not to think about his life. I still did not quite comprehend how bad his situation really was. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship with me ex that had everything to do with alcohol so I put Rob's problems in the back of my head. I refused to see them.
In May 2008, I moved to Great Falls, Montana. I didn't want to try to move directly to Canada but I knew I needed to be around Rob maybe because I thought I needed to take care of him, thinking I could do everything to fix him. I left everything I grew up with, everything I loved, gave away my three cats (that were pretty much my life) and left everything I knew to move to a small town where I knew no one, had no place to live, and no job lined up. I would be 500 miles away from Rob and his family and nearly 1700 miles from my family and friends in Ohio. I sucked it up and followed through because I knew this was something I needed to do. My very loving parents helped me move to Great Falls. They helped me find an apartment and helped get me set up. We then all drove up to Edmonton so they could meet the man I had fallen in love with. I decided to stay in Edmonton for a couple weeks longer than my parents did. But by the first of July I knew I had to get back to Great Falls to start making a living.
I got back "home" July 3rd. I spent July 4th watching fireworks, alone. On July 6th, my birthday, I spent it alone. I had never felt such loneliness and homesickness. I sulked for several days. I still had no job and knew no one and I was running out of money...fast! By the end of July one of the debts incurred by my ex came back to haunt me. I owed a large sum of money to a creditor for, what else, my ex's and my wedding rings. They started to garnish my bank account! I literally had NO money now, no job, no friends...this was the lowest I had been since before I left my ex. My parents, once again, came to my rescue and loaned me the money to pay my debt. This is when things started getting better.
I finally got a call from the art museum in Great Falls where I had hoped to start working. At the same time, my landlady (I lived in her basement apartment) came to my door and asked if I would be interested in working at the History museum where she was the director. I was thrilled! I now had two jobs and both at museums! What fun this will be! I worked part time at both places for a couple of months. The art museum asked if I would be willing to work more hours (not quite full time) which would cause me to not be able to work at the history museum anymore. But art is my passion so I took the offer! I finally started meeting great people. Now I had a place to live, a job, friends, and money! Things were looking up once again!
It wasn't until November 2008 when I realized how serious Rob's alcohol addiction really was. He ended up in the hospital again. He had HAD it with alcohol! He was sober, got another new apartment and was starting his life over again. He was only sober for two months before it went down hill again. This time, I felt it was my fault.
One day at work I got very sick. I was dizzy, almost to the point of passing out. I was bleeding heavily. My coworkers were concerned so they sent me home and told me to go see a doctor. I wasn't a full time employee so I had not medical insurance and I knew I couldn't afford to pay for a regular doctor. My boss suggested I go to Planned Parenthood. As soon as I got home I made an appointment. They told me to come in the next day. I had my "female" exam and my blood pressure was WAY off. After some questioning and some tests were taken they determined that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and if I ever want to have children I will need some serious medical assistance to make it happen. This crushed me. It was so hard to accept. All of my friends are having babies and enjoying being mothers. Now I'm being told I may NEVER be a mom! I am a nurturer! I NEED to be needed! I HAVE to take care of people, animals, things in general! I called Rob right after I found this out and was bawling my eyes out. We have talked about kids before and how Rob wants to be a dad! Now, because of my stupid ovaries we may never be able to start a family! It was after this news that Rob started drinking again. This time he didn't tell me about it. On February 19, 2009 he ended up in the hospital one LAST time. The doctors told him if he continued with this drinking habit he would die. He was literally killing himself. Once he was released he went back to his parents house so they could keep an eye on him. However, they travel to Palm Springs, CA every March so in a couple of weeks he would be alone again. That's when his mom called me to see if I could take a leave of absence from work to come stay with Rob. He was starting rehab at the end of March so he shouldn't be left alone for too long in case he decided to go back to his addiction. Once again, I was torn between...well, everything! I knew I needed to be there for Rob. After all, he is the reason why I moved to Montana in the first place. But, I was loving my job and finally getting my artistic life back (since I had lost it while I was with the ex). Overall, Rob's health took precedence. I left for Canada on February 28, 2009. I figured I would only be there for a couple of months then I would have to come back to Great Falls to work again. Boy, things change in the blink of an eye!
Rob's rehab went great! He had to stay on the "campus" for 19 days, had extensive counseling, and met some great people he could confide in. On April 17th he "graduated" from rehab. Five days later we were married! Rob has been sober for almost 11 months now! I couldn't be more proud of him! He now works for a catering company (not full time but it's a start)! We are enjoying our married life and working through things one day at a time. I can't legally work in Canada so it is still an emotional struggle for me. I am constantly feeling like I don't pull my weight. I clean, cook, do laundry and drive us to where we need to go (Rob doesn't have a driver's license) but I still feel very worthless. The last thing I want is to be like my ex. Rob pays for everything and it makes me feel horrible.
Well, that brings us up to where I am today! This is how I got here. The journey is not over. As a matter of fact it is just beginning! Immigration laws and paperwork continue to haunt us but I know, in the end, everything will work out. It always does. Everything happens for a reason. After all, I lived in my personal Hell for almost 9 years because it was meant to be that my path would cross Rob's path. If I had ended the relationship with me ex any earlier Rob and I would not be together. Isn't life amazing? Isn't it funny how things work out? I know there will still be struggles for us but I'm looking forward to this journey...together!
We got on the Greyhound heading East. The route would take us through almost the entire country of Canada! For most of the trip we had great fun, talking about everything and anything. When we were driving through Riding Mountain National Park in Manitoba, we were so taken by everything around us. That's when Rob proposed to me! Of course I said "yes" but then things started to get weird. I didn't know that Rob had problems sleeping and that is why he drank alcohol every day. I also didn't know he had a problem sleeping on a moving vehicle. He stayed awake for 3 days on the bus...and without the alcohol he started to have DTs (Delirium Tremens - an acute episode of delirium that is usually caused by withdrawal from alcohol.) He started to hallucinate and was fearful of little things (like the bus driver). I had no idea what was going on. When we arrived in Toronto things started to get much worse. From Toronto our next stop was London, Ontario. That was the worst part of the trip. Rob started hallucinating again but this time I was in the middle of it. He kept telling me he wanted to get off the bus and he wanted his bus ticket (which I was holding on to). I told him the bus was not going to stop on the side of the highway to let him off so he should SIT DOWN and BE QUIET! (By this time he was starting to make a scene. The bus was packed and he was standing in the aisle begging for his bus ticket). When we finally pulled in to the Greyhound station in London, the bus driver pretty much kicked Rob off the bus. There were two cops waiting for him and an ambulance. The bus driver must have called ahead to warn them. They put him in handcuffs. I was scared to death! I had just met this guy and I knew something was terribly wrong! This is NOT how this guy really acts. I just KNEW something was wrong. (We still didn't know it was the alcohol causing all this). I grabbed all our bags off the bus and went to figure out what was going on. I had two choices. I could say "Screw this!!" and get back on the bus to Cincinnati, probably never speaking to him again, or I could go to the hospital to find out what this was all about. I obviously chose the later and I am so thankful I did.
I couldn't see him right away when I got to the hospital. (He was handcuffed to a gurney and taken away in an ambulance. I had to stay and talk to the cops for a bit. They called me a cab to the hospital to meet up with Rob.) I could hear Rob yelling for me. I just remember crying and worrying that he was not going to be OK. I was in a little waiting room separate from the main waiting room. A woman walked by the room and glanced in to see me crying. She came back and peeked in the room asking if I was OK. For some reason I felt the need to tell her the story. She hugged me and told me he was in great hands and that things would all turn out for the best.
Finally, a nurse came in to tell me I could go see him. He had so many IVs and cords attached to his body. When he saw me and realized I didn't leave him he cried and reached out to hug me. I saw the life come back in his eyes. It made me feel like it was going to be OK and that he still cared for me. I wondered if his proposal in Manitoba really meant anything or if he was just having a hallucination. Turns out he was serious!
He stayed in the emergency room for quite awhile before they decided to admit him to the psychiatric ward. It was horrible. They locked him in this little, tiny room. They, at least, allowed me to stay in the room with him. They wanted to keep him overnight. I had no where to go so they reluctantly allowed me to stay locked in his room with him. There was only one bed so I slept on the cement floor with no pillow and only a thin hospital blanket to cover me. They had someone come in and check on him several times through the night. They made me so mad because they wanted to make sure he was functioning properly. But when they would come in at all hours of the night they would ask him questions, like what day is it? or what year is it? I'm sorry, but if I'm abruptly woken I don't necessarily know what the date is and I'm sane! He kept answering incorrectly so of course at 6:00 AM the next morning they decide he is not stable enough to be released. I was terrified! It was Sunday morning. I was in London, Ontario and I had to take a Greyhound the last 8 or so hours back to Cincinnati so I could go back to work the next morning! The psychiatrists/social workers told me there was nothing I could do and they were going to move him to a different area of the hospital where I would not be able to visit. I had no choice but to get back on the bus to Cincinnati. I was crushed. I thought there was no way I'd ever get to see Rob again and I wouldn't know if he was OK. The plan was when he got released from the hospital he would take the next bus to Cincinnati.
I went back to my somewhat normal routine until I heard from him that he was being released. I was so excited because he was on his way! That Tuesday evening I got a phone call from Customs and Border Patrol in Detroit/Windsor. They asked me all sorts of questions, like did I know Rob, how long was he going to stay with me, what would he do for money, etc. I answered the way I thought I should. I assumed he was standing there in the immigration office ready to cross the border. I waited patiently for the phone call from Rob that said he had arrived in Detroit. I got a phone call a couple hours after the border called me...it was NOT the phone call I had hoped for. Rob was not allowed to cross the border to the US and was sent back to Canada. My advice is DO NOT try to cross the US/Canada border if you have an expired passport, have just been released from the psych ward of a hospital and you only have $20 to your name. Rob had no where to go and ended up sleeping on the street outside the Windsor Greyhound station (the station was closed). The next morning he took the bus back to London where he checked himself back in to the psych ward. His parents had wired him a plane ticket back to Edmonton but he had to stay in the hospital for a few days. I decided to drive the 6 hours to London from Cincinnati to say "good-bye" because I didn't know when the next time was I would get to see him again. I stayed in London for the weekend then took him to the airport. It was such a sad time. All of our plans had been spoiled. Now what?
Once Rob got back to Edmonton he had to live with his parents because he lost his apartment thinking he would be living in the States with me for awhile. (This all happened before we realized how hard the immigration process really is!) I was thankful he was around his family because I was afraid he would "go crazy" again. A week or so later he had a new apartment and he started fresh. I visited Edmonton again that summer and I finally got to check out the city. I fell in love with Edmonton! His apartment, however, was in a very bad part of town and his place was a tiny one-room apartment. He had fallen back into his old drinking habits once again. He had done it for so long that he really didn't know any better. This is what he knew best. He took it one day at a time and he would do everything he could just to fall asleep and try not to think about his life. I still did not quite comprehend how bad his situation really was. I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship with me ex that had everything to do with alcohol so I put Rob's problems in the back of my head. I refused to see them.
In May 2008, I moved to Great Falls, Montana. I didn't want to try to move directly to Canada but I knew I needed to be around Rob maybe because I thought I needed to take care of him, thinking I could do everything to fix him. I left everything I grew up with, everything I loved, gave away my three cats (that were pretty much my life) and left everything I knew to move to a small town where I knew no one, had no place to live, and no job lined up. I would be 500 miles away from Rob and his family and nearly 1700 miles from my family and friends in Ohio. I sucked it up and followed through because I knew this was something I needed to do. My very loving parents helped me move to Great Falls. They helped me find an apartment and helped get me set up. We then all drove up to Edmonton so they could meet the man I had fallen in love with. I decided to stay in Edmonton for a couple weeks longer than my parents did. But by the first of July I knew I had to get back to Great Falls to start making a living.
I got back "home" July 3rd. I spent July 4th watching fireworks, alone. On July 6th, my birthday, I spent it alone. I had never felt such loneliness and homesickness. I sulked for several days. I still had no job and knew no one and I was running out of money...fast! By the end of July one of the debts incurred by my ex came back to haunt me. I owed a large sum of money to a creditor for, what else, my ex's and my wedding rings. They started to garnish my bank account! I literally had NO money now, no job, no friends...this was the lowest I had been since before I left my ex. My parents, once again, came to my rescue and loaned me the money to pay my debt. This is when things started getting better.
I finally got a call from the art museum in Great Falls where I had hoped to start working. At the same time, my landlady (I lived in her basement apartment) came to my door and asked if I would be interested in working at the History museum where she was the director. I was thrilled! I now had two jobs and both at museums! What fun this will be! I worked part time at both places for a couple of months. The art museum asked if I would be willing to work more hours (not quite full time) which would cause me to not be able to work at the history museum anymore. But art is my passion so I took the offer! I finally started meeting great people. Now I had a place to live, a job, friends, and money! Things were looking up once again!
It wasn't until November 2008 when I realized how serious Rob's alcohol addiction really was. He ended up in the hospital again. He had HAD it with alcohol! He was sober, got another new apartment and was starting his life over again. He was only sober for two months before it went down hill again. This time, I felt it was my fault.
One day at work I got very sick. I was dizzy, almost to the point of passing out. I was bleeding heavily. My coworkers were concerned so they sent me home and told me to go see a doctor. I wasn't a full time employee so I had not medical insurance and I knew I couldn't afford to pay for a regular doctor. My boss suggested I go to Planned Parenthood. As soon as I got home I made an appointment. They told me to come in the next day. I had my "female" exam and my blood pressure was WAY off. After some questioning and some tests were taken they determined that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and if I ever want to have children I will need some serious medical assistance to make it happen. This crushed me. It was so hard to accept. All of my friends are having babies and enjoying being mothers. Now I'm being told I may NEVER be a mom! I am a nurturer! I NEED to be needed! I HAVE to take care of people, animals, things in general! I called Rob right after I found this out and was bawling my eyes out. We have talked about kids before and how Rob wants to be a dad! Now, because of my stupid ovaries we may never be able to start a family! It was after this news that Rob started drinking again. This time he didn't tell me about it. On February 19, 2009 he ended up in the hospital one LAST time. The doctors told him if he continued with this drinking habit he would die. He was literally killing himself. Once he was released he went back to his parents house so they could keep an eye on him. However, they travel to Palm Springs, CA every March so in a couple of weeks he would be alone again. That's when his mom called me to see if I could take a leave of absence from work to come stay with Rob. He was starting rehab at the end of March so he shouldn't be left alone for too long in case he decided to go back to his addiction. Once again, I was torn between...well, everything! I knew I needed to be there for Rob. After all, he is the reason why I moved to Montana in the first place. But, I was loving my job and finally getting my artistic life back (since I had lost it while I was with the ex). Overall, Rob's health took precedence. I left for Canada on February 28, 2009. I figured I would only be there for a couple of months then I would have to come back to Great Falls to work again. Boy, things change in the blink of an eye!
Rob's rehab went great! He had to stay on the "campus" for 19 days, had extensive counseling, and met some great people he could confide in. On April 17th he "graduated" from rehab. Five days later we were married! Rob has been sober for almost 11 months now! I couldn't be more proud of him! He now works for a catering company (not full time but it's a start)! We are enjoying our married life and working through things one day at a time. I can't legally work in Canada so it is still an emotional struggle for me. I am constantly feeling like I don't pull my weight. I clean, cook, do laundry and drive us to where we need to go (Rob doesn't have a driver's license) but I still feel very worthless. The last thing I want is to be like my ex. Rob pays for everything and it makes me feel horrible.
Well, that brings us up to where I am today! This is how I got here. The journey is not over. As a matter of fact it is just beginning! Immigration laws and paperwork continue to haunt us but I know, in the end, everything will work out. It always does. Everything happens for a reason. After all, I lived in my personal Hell for almost 9 years because it was meant to be that my path would cross Rob's path. If I had ended the relationship with me ex any earlier Rob and I would not be together. Isn't life amazing? Isn't it funny how things work out? I know there will still be struggles for us but I'm looking forward to this journey...together!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
How did I get here?
Well, here goes nothing! This is my first ever blog posting and I will try to keep my "story" brief. I don't want you to lose your interest! I'm in a much better place in my life now. But, I didn't get here overnight. It has been a very rocky road. To give you a little background of how my life has been improving I'll take you back 12 years.
For several years between 11th Grade in High School and 3 1/2 years of College I never had a boyfriend...actually I never even had a date during that time! I never really missed dating. Ok, actually I did. I really missed having someone hug me and having someone to hold hands with, go to dinner and a movie with, etc. So, I got to a point in my life where I would (unknowingly) take the first guy to come along. That happened in the Spring of 1998. The grocery store deli I worked at had just hired a new guy, all of the other deli employees were women so this was a big shock! The new guy and I started talking and we ended up "together". (I can't necessarily say we were "in love" because I NOW know what that truly means. Back then I had no idea). So, we started dating and spent MANY hours a day together. I now know that was my first mistake. I put more time and energy into that relationship than I did for my own life. I quit college for him (I only had 1 or 2 semesters to go to complete my Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts). That was just the beginning of my downward spiral.
Fast forward 8 years: I am still in this relationship. It is horrible and I don't know how to get out of it. It has become an emotionally abusive situation every single day. We have been engaged for almost the entire 8 year span. He has broken off the marriage 3 times. I guess when he broke off the engagement the first time I should have run away screaming. But, I stayed thinking we could work through things. In the meantime, I have cut myself off from all my friends and worse, my family. He never cared much for my family and he had a very bad home life himself. So being the caring individual I am, I chose to take "his" side and leave my family in the dust. It was already a very stressful home life for me so I didn't want to "rock the boat" with him and have him flip out on me (as he so often did). There were a few good times. But, for the most part he drown himself in alcohol and cigarettes. He was an alcoholic but neither of us wanted to admit it. I was the only one working for the entire 9 year relationship. I paid for EVERYTHING: rent, electric, gas, groceries, phone, internet, his alcohol and his cigarettes. He never EVER lifted a finger to help out around the house. I worked full time (most of the time) then came home to him passed out. I would have to clean up the house, do the dishes, cook the food, do the laundry and take care of our 3 cats. He was worthless and I was becoming worthless like him. I tried to go back to college to get an Associates Degree in Business...but once again, he made me feel guilty for not being at home much (probably to take care of HIM) so I quit college...AGAIN. We moved constantly because our bills and rent would not be paid so we were constantly fearful of being evicted. Since I had to pay for everything I became drowned in debt. I still have debt collectors contacting me to this day.
Not only was he a human leach but he was also a "cheater". He was addicted to the internet and meeting girls online. I "pretended" not to notice because I was afraid of being alone and not having a boyfriend. I caught him in the act a few times and confronted him. But, of course, he played it off as something else and I always forgave him. Boy, was I stupid. I began to hate myself (and him) more and more everyday. I can not believe how much mental damage I endured through this entire relationship. And yes, there was some physical abuse as well. I was slapped, choked, arms squeezed until it was red, and I even caused some of my own physical abuse. I was so starved for his attention that I took a steak knife to my own wrist...just to get him to walk away from his computer. He walked away long enough to grab the knife from me and throw it down...then he went back to his computer to talk to a certain girl (that I knew about). So, I continued with the knife thing until he stopped. I had several cuts on my left wrist that started to bleed, but nothing too serious. This was the end for us...and I HAD to make it happen, somehow.
In 2007, I joined a website that my guy told me about. This is where he was meeting people that were apparently too important to pull himself away from to pay attention to me trying to cut my wrist. This is how I met my "rescuer"! I didn't intend to find him...I was just trying to find a way to "check up" on my current "fiance" so I could confront him for flirting with other girls, etc. hopefully giving me a way out of this horrible situation. I began to confide in my rescuer and told him my whole story. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want me but he made me believe in myself enough to end the awful Hell I was living in. I finally gained the courage needed to end the relationship after almost 9 years of pure hatred and evil. I sent him packing back to his Mommy's. He cried like a baby. I figured it was because he would have to finally GROW up and take care of himself. And for once I didn't feel guilty about it. I was glad to get rid of him. I was tired of feeling like crap. I didn't have any friends because he would make me feel guilty if I wanted to go out with friends after work. After he left, my rescuer made me realize how good a person I really am and how I deserve so much more in life. I had to learn how to love myself! After almost a decade of taking care of someone else and not knowing how to love or take care of myself I found it incredibly hard. I had to get some therapy and antidepressants. This would not have been my first choice for recovery but it was recommended by the doctor.
As it turns out, I fell in love with my Canadian rescuer. And now I know what that truly means! At first I didn't think anything would happen between us. After all, I was living in Cincinnati, OH and he was in Edmonton, Alberta...that's in CANADA! A foreign country! There's no way a relationship could work if both people were that far apart! I was wrong...so VERY wrong. Thank the good Lord for free long distance through the cable companies! We spent hours after hours talking on the phone (or computer) getting to know one another. It was amazing how well we connected. I HAD to meet him! I wasn't really financially stable just yet so I had to figure out a "cheap" way of traveling to Edmonton. I only had a week to travel so I knew I couldn't drive there (it's about a 32 hour drive) because gas and hotels are expensive. I also knew I couldn't afford a plane ticket...so my only other option was the Greyhound. I had never taken a Greyhound bus in my life. Wow, was it ever an experience. My first mistake was not telling my family (in person) that I was going. I ended up leaving them a note to say I broke up with my ex, I met this guy on the internet and I was taking a Greyhound to Canada to meet him. 56 hours later and lost luggage along the way, I got off the bus to see Rob, my Canadian rescuer standing there with open arms to give me that much needed hug! I had been on the bus for almost 3 days, had no makeup on, and needed a shower...but it was TRUE LOVE at first sight! I knew I was finally getting my life back!
For several years between 11th Grade in High School and 3 1/2 years of College I never had a boyfriend...actually I never even had a date during that time! I never really missed dating. Ok, actually I did. I really missed having someone hug me and having someone to hold hands with, go to dinner and a movie with, etc. So, I got to a point in my life where I would (unknowingly) take the first guy to come along. That happened in the Spring of 1998. The grocery store deli I worked at had just hired a new guy, all of the other deli employees were women so this was a big shock! The new guy and I started talking and we ended up "together". (I can't necessarily say we were "in love" because I NOW know what that truly means. Back then I had no idea). So, we started dating and spent MANY hours a day together. I now know that was my first mistake. I put more time and energy into that relationship than I did for my own life. I quit college for him (I only had 1 or 2 semesters to go to complete my Bachelors Degree in Fine Arts). That was just the beginning of my downward spiral.
Fast forward 8 years: I am still in this relationship. It is horrible and I don't know how to get out of it. It has become an emotionally abusive situation every single day. We have been engaged for almost the entire 8 year span. He has broken off the marriage 3 times. I guess when he broke off the engagement the first time I should have run away screaming. But, I stayed thinking we could work through things. In the meantime, I have cut myself off from all my friends and worse, my family. He never cared much for my family and he had a very bad home life himself. So being the caring individual I am, I chose to take "his" side and leave my family in the dust. It was already a very stressful home life for me so I didn't want to "rock the boat" with him and have him flip out on me (as he so often did). There were a few good times. But, for the most part he drown himself in alcohol and cigarettes. He was an alcoholic but neither of us wanted to admit it. I was the only one working for the entire 9 year relationship. I paid for EVERYTHING: rent, electric, gas, groceries, phone, internet, his alcohol and his cigarettes. He never EVER lifted a finger to help out around the house. I worked full time (most of the time) then came home to him passed out. I would have to clean up the house, do the dishes, cook the food, do the laundry and take care of our 3 cats. He was worthless and I was becoming worthless like him. I tried to go back to college to get an Associates Degree in Business...but once again, he made me feel guilty for not being at home much (probably to take care of HIM) so I quit college...AGAIN. We moved constantly because our bills and rent would not be paid so we were constantly fearful of being evicted. Since I had to pay for everything I became drowned in debt. I still have debt collectors contacting me to this day.
Not only was he a human leach but he was also a "cheater". He was addicted to the internet and meeting girls online. I "pretended" not to notice because I was afraid of being alone and not having a boyfriend. I caught him in the act a few times and confronted him. But, of course, he played it off as something else and I always forgave him. Boy, was I stupid. I began to hate myself (and him) more and more everyday. I can not believe how much mental damage I endured through this entire relationship. And yes, there was some physical abuse as well. I was slapped, choked, arms squeezed until it was red, and I even caused some of my own physical abuse. I was so starved for his attention that I took a steak knife to my own wrist...just to get him to walk away from his computer. He walked away long enough to grab the knife from me and throw it down...then he went back to his computer to talk to a certain girl (that I knew about). So, I continued with the knife thing until he stopped. I had several cuts on my left wrist that started to bleed, but nothing too serious. This was the end for us...and I HAD to make it happen, somehow.
In 2007, I joined a website that my guy told me about. This is where he was meeting people that were apparently too important to pull himself away from to pay attention to me trying to cut my wrist. This is how I met my "rescuer"! I didn't intend to find him...I was just trying to find a way to "check up" on my current "fiance" so I could confront him for flirting with other girls, etc. hopefully giving me a way out of this horrible situation. I began to confide in my rescuer and told him my whole story. I couldn't imagine why anyone would want me but he made me believe in myself enough to end the awful Hell I was living in. I finally gained the courage needed to end the relationship after almost 9 years of pure hatred and evil. I sent him packing back to his Mommy's. He cried like a baby. I figured it was because he would have to finally GROW up and take care of himself. And for once I didn't feel guilty about it. I was glad to get rid of him. I was tired of feeling like crap. I didn't have any friends because he would make me feel guilty if I wanted to go out with friends after work. After he left, my rescuer made me realize how good a person I really am and how I deserve so much more in life. I had to learn how to love myself! After almost a decade of taking care of someone else and not knowing how to love or take care of myself I found it incredibly hard. I had to get some therapy and antidepressants. This would not have been my first choice for recovery but it was recommended by the doctor.
As it turns out, I fell in love with my Canadian rescuer. And now I know what that truly means! At first I didn't think anything would happen between us. After all, I was living in Cincinnati, OH and he was in Edmonton, Alberta...that's in CANADA! A foreign country! There's no way a relationship could work if both people were that far apart! I was wrong...so VERY wrong. Thank the good Lord for free long distance through the cable companies! We spent hours after hours talking on the phone (or computer) getting to know one another. It was amazing how well we connected. I HAD to meet him! I wasn't really financially stable just yet so I had to figure out a "cheap" way of traveling to Edmonton. I only had a week to travel so I knew I couldn't drive there (it's about a 32 hour drive) because gas and hotels are expensive. I also knew I couldn't afford a plane ticket...so my only other option was the Greyhound. I had never taken a Greyhound bus in my life. Wow, was it ever an experience. My first mistake was not telling my family (in person) that I was going. I ended up leaving them a note to say I broke up with my ex, I met this guy on the internet and I was taking a Greyhound to Canada to meet him. 56 hours later and lost luggage along the way, I got off the bus to see Rob, my Canadian rescuer standing there with open arms to give me that much needed hug! I had been on the bus for almost 3 days, had no makeup on, and needed a shower...but it was TRUE LOVE at first sight! I knew I was finally getting my life back!
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